You Just Don’t Wanna Know

Day 334: “I have forgiven myself; I’ll make a change. Once that forgiveness has taken place you can console yourself with the knowledge that a diamond is the result of extreme pressure. Pressure can change you into something quite precious, quite wonderful, quite beautiful and extremely hard.”-- Maya Angelou. She has not only written some of my most favorite poems but she has made perceptive statements that resonate with my spirit.

I threw myself into cleaning my house today as a way to get my mind off of financial concerns (entrepreneurship) and to keep myself in a place of gratefulness. A girlfriend (who will remain nameless- for her own sake) called today and I was excited because I needed to share with her some of the things that were weighing on my mind.

Yet, her conversation was very short and only about me coming to a Bon Voyage Brunch for one of her newly acquired friends. She sensed my disappointment and tried to prolong the call but I was done. I needed to hang up so I would not go into a tirade about how easily she calls people her friends. She is a super sweet spirit but is easily enamored with titles and a person’s perceived station in life.

As I went back to cleaning I was reminded of a conversation my Dad once had with me. He said, “Rita, you have this preconceived notion about what a father should be, and I don’t have to be what you want me to be.” His statement cut like a knife but it was the beginning of this life long struggle to be comfortable with that realization about him and people period. I'm continually challenged with the reality that the people I hold dearest to me won't always treat me equitable. And that does not make them a bad person, nor does it make me a victim.

Sometime last year, I bought Marvin Winans CD “Alone But Not Alone” and I for some reason could not get into it. However, after seeing him and hearing his music in the Tyler Perry movie, “I Can Do Bad All By Myself,” I took another listen. Now it’s on my IPod and I can’t stop listening to it. My favorite song is “You Just Don’t Wanna Know.” He explained that he wrote it during a difficult time in his life. He had this one instance where a person who had always said, “If you ever need anything or just want to get away call me.” When he did reach out the person had all these excuses and was not there for him.

“I hurt so many nights.” The subliminal message in this song is that we have to really care about each other and we need one another. The Bible says,"the strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak.” So often, people hide how they feel because they are uncertain of the acceptance of the revelation after they share what they feel. It’s so important to have the ability to come to someone to say you’re hurting or you need something …today it was just an ear.

I am a Diamond, precious, wonderful, beautiful but not hard.

You Just Don’t Wanna Know

I hurt so many nights
Cried so many hours
Trying to make it right
Just didn't have the power
You ignored all of my tears
In hopes they'd disappear
I tried to let it show

Chorus:
But I guess
You just don't wanna know

I came to you in love
I came to you in earnest
Could you possibly explain?
Why the flames, why the furnace?
Just needing to get it clear
I was hoping you would hear
I tried to let it go

(chorus)

Now it's true
That God is always there
He said he'd never leave
But at times
The human touch
Is what I need
And if I had a dime
For every time
I tried to call your name
Some tell me
I'd be wealthy

But I learned that I could cope
I discovered I could make it
In nights so long and cold
So cold, you don't know how cold
I learned that I could take it
Now I wouldn't change a thing
Not for the knowledge
Not for the knowledge
That I've gained

I learned that I could grow
I really did
I tried to let it show
I did, I tried to let it go